The ethics of Seduction

The topic of Seduction is one that interests me most, and indeed I have many more posts planned on the subject. I believe that learning about it, in the past few years, has changed my life for good. However, it occurs to me that in the current context (especially in the West) Seduction is viewed in a very negative light. But in my view, Seduction can, and should, be used to good ends! So let me share today my thoughts on the ethics of Seduction.

As per Wikipedia

Here is an excerpt of Wikipedia’s definition of Seduction:

“Seduction is the process of deliberately enticing a person, to engage in a relationship, to lead astray, as from duty, rectitude, or the like; to corrupt, to persuade or induce to engage in sexual behaviour.”

What a negative statement! In other words, as per this definition, seduction is inherently non genuine and deceiving. I couldn’t disagree more.

So let us start by reviewing what seduction is, and what it is not.

What seduction is NOT about

False promises and outright lies

I once had a former female conquest of mine contact me for advice. (Yes! Proof that it is possible to seduce girls in the “good” way and still keep good relations with them). She had met a man from Pakistan who promised her to marry her. “You are a catholic christian. What do you think you are going to do when you will be married to a Muslim Pakistani in a village somewhere in the Pakistan countryside?” I was trying to appeal to her reason here… But I was ready to bet the guy never had any plans beyond getting in her pants.

The truth is, there is absolutely no need to tell lies to anyone in order to get consensual sex.

False expectations

And you don’t need to imply wrong things, either. Expectations are what hurt us. Don’t set the wrong expectations in the first place, there are not necessary. How do you create the wrong expectations? By talking, implying, or behaving, during your courtship, as if you had in mind something more serious than what this actually is. (And yes, for the avoidance of doubt, conventional dating, where you take her on multiple expensive dates, does just that, just think about it 🙂 )

First, making her believe that you are aiming for the long term role is actually detrimental and counter-productive. Why? Because she will then act like on audition for the lead female role… And push hard on the breaks against your sexual attempts. After all, she has to prove to you that she “is not a slut”, and worthy of the role. She will then throw a hundred of obstacles at your face in order to test you. In her mind, you will start to move out of the very attractive “sexual man” category . Not really what you want!

Second, THIS is the one not honest at this stage. At the initial stage, when you two just have met, you do not know her in the least. How can you realistically consider her for the long term role? You may think she’s like this, or like that. You may think she fits your ideal dream woman. But let’s be honest here: most likely, you have been impressed by some awesome pair of boobs 🙂 and you are trying to project your ideals on her. Who she really is, is a whole different story. This recipe is ultimately bound to failure in the face of reality.

Instead, it is more productive and honest to be forward about your sexual attraction!

Trading money, luxury vacations or favors for sex

This is transactional sex, in one of its many flavors, but definitely NOT seduction.

Exerting power to obtain sexual favors

That’s Harvey Weinstein and the likes. I won’t even get started here. This is definitely NOT seduction.

Disclaimer

Let us now put a clear DISCLAIMER: I do NOT advocate ANY of the above. This is NOT what I am talking about on this blog. Anyone doing any of these, please STOP because it is possible to get mutually satisfying sexual relationships without recourse to deception, power abuse or money.

What seduction IS about

Not fucking it up

Let’s face it. Most dates in this planet end in a fiasco because the guy is fucking it up. Ladies, how many times you went on a date with high hopes, and ended disappointed because the guy “doesn’t get it”? Or because he was a nice, wimpy guy that you couldn’t respect? The guy just fucked up! You can’t have him as a lover of boyfriend. Your best use of him would be as a friend. Ring a bell? Instead of that, how about if he had displayed this sort of irresistible masculine strength against which all your defenses were useless?

Seduction is, first and foremost, about making things happen with a woman who already likes you, by doing things right: There is a mutual attraction in the first place, but you present yourself in a sexually attractive way and use what you know about women psychology to make things becoming real.

Using knowledge of what women responds to

The Seducer has a deep understanding of women’s psychology, and of what they respond positively to. He uses this knowledge to increase his likelihood of success.

Doesn’t sound genuine? Sounds deceiving or manipulative? But women do it, too, using and abusing it, all the time! They wear heels, make up, sexy red dresses, wonderbras etc… because they know that men respond positively to it. They know very well men’s psychology, and use it to their advantage when they need it.

So in fact, that only makes us even! It’s only fair game!

Evening out the power balance in the couple

What happens very often in a couple, after many years, is that the man gets “out of touch” and ends up having no sexual options other than his partner. Whereas the woman still could have it easy: all she would need to do is to walk in a bar with a miniskirt to get a handful of viable proposals. And they both know it. This leads to a power asymmetry in the couple. He depends exclusively on her for sex. And she has veto power, the power to walk away if she wanted to.

Seduction skills, for a man, are the way to restore balance of power in the couple. He, too, can get sexual options outside the couple if he wishes so. He, too, has veto power. Now, he doesn’t have to put up with all her demands and drama, because guess what, he could also walk away, and she knows it. While I understand that some girls may not like that (after all, they want to control their man), they would, in average, keep more respect – and attraction – to him. That would do for more balanced couples in my opinion.

So here is another way of viewing seduction: a technique to build more balanced, and hopefully more lasting, relationships.

Seduction: archetype vs. real life

In this new light, let’s now review how seduction is depicted vs. how it is ideally done.

The archetype seduction in the movies

This is the way I have seen seduction depicted in movies: The guy create some false expectations in order to get in her pants, then disappears right away after he got what he wanted, leaving her with a heartache.

Unfortunately, tons of guys out there do just that, and yes it is bad. They shouldn’t, because it is not necessary. There is no need to misrepresent what this is, there is no need to create false expectations and hurt someone. This is not how seduction should be done. This is not seduction. I am sorry that some guys out there have to revert to tricks in order to get what they want. For some reasons, they have come to believe that this is the only way.

But there is another, more honest and genuine way.

How it is done ideally

When the Seducer is on a date with a girl, he carefully avoids to say or do anything that may her think he is looking for a serious boyfriend / girlfriend relationship. Because it is the honest thing to do. And because, at this stage, he doesn’t know her enough to even decide if she would be suitable for girlfriend.

Instead, he frames the interaction and the way he presents himself in a purely sexual way. Nothing has been voiced explicitly, but girls are a hundred times better than men at reading between the lines… so she knows what this is. If she likes him, she will then give him some non verbal signs that she is interested. With experience, a guy can learn to read these signals. It’s not that difficult.

Once he reads these signs that she is willing, he will now move her towards a private place (perhaps his home, or hotel room). As a further confirmation that she likes him, she will follow his lead without much resistance. Once they are isolated, he will start to physically escalate her. At this stage she will sometimes show some signs of resistance. If this happens, he persists in what he is doing, to detect if this is token resistance, or genuine resistance. Is it an “in principle no, but just try harder”, or is it a firm, real “no”? Again, with experience, it is easy to detect between both. But he never forces himself against a real no. But fortunately, there are many cases where there is no resistance at all.

See how no one is fooled here. He never lied to what this was, either in words or in actions. She knew what this was, from the beginning – even if it was not explicitly voiced. He gave her plenty of room to walk away if she wanted. And at the last minute, if she still really didn’t want to continue, she was free to go.

Also note: if the Seducer managed her expectations correctly, there is no reason that she should be left crying. It is our expectations that potentially hurt us.

So the key to a heartache-free experience is to carefully manage expectations.

What happens next

One of them may decide to keep it here

So it’s going to be a one time only. Is that a bad thing? Nope! It was mutually consensual sex between two persons who liked each other. And all that happened with no prior expectation of serious development. No one fooled, no one hurt. Two people with a smile on their face. And it can be the girl who decides to keep it here!

It may be the case that they just can’t continue for external reasons

It’s nobody’s fault. Chances are that they knew it would be short lived since before it started. The typical case is when the encounter happens when one of them is on a trip. They know from the start he will be leaving in, e.g. three days time. No strings attached from the get go. It is enlightening the number of women who are actually OK with this setup. Good memories, free love with no consequences.

Or they both decide to give it a try

This is where it gets interesting. It started casually, but they both want to continue to see each other. And from there, the door is open to grow the relationship into something more serious, if they both so desire.

The point is that it is not a black and white story like in the movies. It is about two people who decide if they want to pursue, on their own free will, as it should.

Conclusion: the ethics of Seduction

To summarize what we discussed here:

• In the course of seduction, there is no need to lie or lead anyone on;
• You cannot seduce someone who does not feel attraction for you in the first place;
• But you can maximize the chances of attraction, by presenting yourself in a sexy way, and using knowledge of women’s psychology to your advantage;
• Then you transform a theoretical “they both like each other” into an actual, mutually consensual, sexual encounter;
• Later on, if they both want it, this can possibly develop into a more serious relationship, hopefully more balanced and more fulfilling.

Seduction, done the right way, does not require any deception or false promises, and is not inherently bad. It delivers consensual sex to two people who initially liked each other, and ultimately can lead to more balanced, and hopefully more lasting, meaningful relationships – all win-win situations!

I believe it should be an essential part of every man’s education.

• Yours,

What to read next?

• What is Seduction: away from the negative cliches, I present my views of what Seduction is – a very efficient and natural, bullshit free way of getting with a woman you like.
• When Seduction works well: get a feel of how a well run seduction should look like!
• The Sexual Pyramid: my personal take on how the Sexual Market place is structured.

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