The dating approach that I am describing all over this blog consists in appealing to her sexual instincts. The man takes her on a first date, ramps up her sexual excitement, then brings her to his home and seduce her. What I call dating as a Lover.
There is another approach to dating, though. We all instinctively know that she seeks, in the long run, a man who can provide her with financial resources and safety. So, we take her on a date in an impressive restaurant, show her the nice car, advertise how nice a job we have, and how caring our manners are… In sum, showcasing our potential as a Provider of resources and safety, in the hope to impress her.
Why would any of these approach work? And which one is more efficient?
The Provider dating model
This is the model used by probably 80% of men out there – and the one I used myself, before I knew better. And if you look carefully, it is also the dating model advocated by Hollywood in all the movies. It is the model advocated by society. It’s how your mum would like you to date.
In this model, the man tries to appeal to her need for attention and safety, and competes with other men on his ability to provide.
The man comes to the date, maybe brings with him a gift such as flowers or chocolates. He invites her to an expensive date where everything is nice and shiny, with superb food and succulent wines, and maybe some little candles and dim lights. The man showcases good manners. He opens the doors for her, walks slightly behind her, is thoughtful and attentive. When it comes to conversation, he takes every chance to show how successful he is in his job, career, social circles, at the gym, etc… He is polite at all times and avoids mentioning about sex. Last, he also takes any chance he can to rescue and protect her from the perils of the outside world.
In every appearances, he is a “Gentleman”: well mannered, thoughtful, successful, has some wealth (or pretends to). He is not “one of these men who think only about sex”. In sum, he would be such a good long term partner: providing wealth, resources and safety necessary for creating and nurturing a family.
(Note: this is purely at the instinctual level. He may not even desire starting a family.)
Her need for safety and attention
In the majority of human history, women being the bearers of life found themselves in a vulnerable position when pregnant or nurturing children. Hence their instinctive need to attach themselves a man who will support and protect them during these years of vulnerability.
So yes, her need for safety is real and coming from deep instincts. Fifty years of women emancipation are not enough to erase instincts shaped over millions of years.
The other side – men’s side – is true as well. We men have protective and provider instincts deeply rooted in us for exactly the same reasons.
So when we go on a date without knowing any better, we naturally cave in to our instincts, showcase our provider abilities, and try to appeal to her needs for safety. This is what most men normally do, consciously or not.
Her other instincts
But this ignores another reality, usually poorly understood by men. She has other instincts, which are usually even stronger than her instinct for safety: her drive to procreate life with the best possible male she can attract.
This drive is unconscious, and omnipresent. If she is not looking to have kids at the moment, she still has this drive. If she lives in a society that discourages promiscuity, she still has this drive. It is her sexual instincts. They are there, always present, most of the times beneath the scene.
This is the reason she would put some heels and makeup and dress sexy when just going to the supermarket. If you ask her why, she will say “she is doing it for herself” – and she will probably believe it herself. But the behind-the-scenes reason is, she wants to attract the attention of the best possible male. It is instinctive.
We men are driven by our sexual instincts, too. When we scan the room to spot any good looking girl, or when we turn around to check the sexy behind of this woman who just passed, we are obeying to our instincts. Well, women have sexual instincts, too, which prompt them to attract the best possible male.
Now, these sexual instincts are much stronger than her instinct for safety. If you know how to appeal to them, you will be much more successful with women.
Now, the question is what is the “best possible male”. This is where evolutionary psychology brings in some interesting insights.
A quick primer on sexual instincts
Here is the basic premise of evolutionary psychology: we are all genetically programmed to maximize our chances to send our DNA into the future. This drive shapes our instincts and sexual behaviors.
It is the quest for eternity via the descendants!
Given this premise, there are several possible “sexual strategies”.
Sexual strategies
One of them is sexual diversification. This is about fertilizing as many sexual partners as possible, with the hope that at least one of the offsprings eventually makes it and have many children of his/her own. It is a shotgun strategy: don’t look too closely and spread your bets everywhere in the hope one of them makes a hit. We would call “Lover” the kind of man who excels at this strategy.
Another strategy is sexual specialization. You focus on one carefully selected partner, have children with him/her, and then focus on raising the children in the safest environment possible, in order to give them the best possible chance to make it. This is the sniper strategy: only fire a few shots but make each of them count with careful targeting. We would call “Provider” the kind of man who excels at this strategy.
This seems to be the basis of our sexual instincts:
- Men’s sexual drive to have sex with as many partners as possible
- But also men’s innate protective and provider instincts
- Women’s natural ability at attaching the man into a relationship with her
- Women’s nurturing and caring behaviors – for her children
- etc…
Although, mind you, you also have a whole class of “high sex drive women” out there, who don’t mind multiplying the partners 😃
Women’s preferred strategy
But the ultimate sexual strategy for the woman seems to be this one:
Get a hold on a sexual diversification specialist, string him into an exclusive relationship, then have children with him, and make him provide for the family.
An ambitious plan! In our terminology, this would be “get a hold on a Lover, make him commit and turn him into a Provider”.
I didn’t make this up: it is actually a very serious theory called the “Sexy Son Hypothesis“. The proposed rationale is that the children she will have from such a man, will be more likely to be good at sexual diversity and have a prolific progeny themselves. Therefore maximizing her chances to send her DNA into the future.
Whether the Sexy Son Hypothesis is true or not, it explains remarkably well this empirical fact:
A man who is already sleeping with four women, will have no problem to sleep with four more. And the man who sleeps with no one but himself, will have a hard time finding one sexual partner.
Women love the men that every other women love – because he’s a sexual diversification specialist.
A surprising part of this is, she is not consciously aware if the guy sleeps with other women when she meets him. She just… finds him sexy! And regarding the celibate guy sleeping with no one, she probably won’t even notice him. Sexual instincts can be ruthless!
The best possible male
It appears that the “best possible male” presents the following traits.
Sexual aggressiveness
Also called “masculine boldness” in this blog: the character of a man who smoothly, relentlessly and aggressively pursues sex. This is the trait shared by men who excel at sexual diversification.
Make no mistake, a man with this quality is extremely appealing to the opposite sex. Women will just “find him sexy”.
Leadership and status
But now, there is the other part of the deal. Once she got impregnated by such a sexy man, she needs to make him commit and provide safety and resources to the family.
This is where characteristics such as leadership and status come into play.
If the man has leadership attributes, he is more likely to command other people, and he will be naturally better off at surviving and providing good conditions to his woman and offspring.
And if he has social status (say, a higher position within society), he is likely to be in a good social position to provide safety and food to his family. People with leadership are likely to also have good social status, so it is related.
The three sexy attributes
The three masculine traits appealing to women’s sexual instincts are therefore:
A man displaying any combination of these traits has a universal appeal to women. Their sexual instincts compel them to look for these attributes. A woman will ruthlessly test you for these traits, with tests such as:
- she will build some barriers for you to overcome, to test for your masculine boldness;
- she will try to derail your leadership and see if you let her do this
- and she will try to raise her status above yours, and see how you react
In fact, many of women’s test are meant to find out if you genuinely are the Lover kind.
Compared to these Lover qualities, your ability to provide for her only comes in a distant fourth position.
This is the point that so many men miss (and I, for that matter, before I discovered the other side).
Dating as a Lover vs dating as a Provider
The Provider dating model is arguably the most common approach to dating from men around the globe. So obviously, it works… eventually. But it ignores a reality: what she wants in priority, is to secure a Lover, then make him to commit and provide. She will only actively seek a Provider when her attempts at securing a Lover failed.
It could be that she failed at meeting that ideal man. Or she met one, but didn’t manage to make him commit, and left him in frustration – she is now looking for a rebound with a “safer” man. Or it could be that she is feeling the pressure of her biological clock, and of society, to settle in a family, and has no more time to spare in the quest for the perfect man.
Things being less than ideal in real life, there are just not enough sexy Lovers out there to satisfy all the demand. So obviously, not all women will end up making a family with a committed Lover. That’s where the good Providers come in: the next best choice.
But for the Provider dating model to work, the man must be lucky enough that she just so happen to be in a phase of her life where she just seeks safety. There will be many, many disappointing dates before happening upon such a woman.
That’s why I highly recommend instead the Lover dating model, where you showcase any combination of the three sexy attributes described above, and appeal to her sexual instincts. I talk about it all over this blog. The date template is summarized in this post:
The three steps to a smooth Seduction
If you learn to do it well, you will boost your love life very significantly. Ask me how I know 🙂
Conclusion: if you still want to stick to the Provider model
It takes time and dedication, though, to learn the Lover approach, if you do not happen to be a “natural”.
So if you still want to stick to the Provider model, just be aware, though:
- a typical date with a Provider is what she would call “a boring date” – because devoid of the sexual spark that she is avidly looking for
- the Provider game just became much harder with the advent of “Sugar Dating”, where a handful of very rich guys throw money around to attract women, making it hard to compete against.
- It is generally a more hazardous route, where you are likely to lose the girl by being too slow and failing her tests
There is one thing you can do, though, to increase your chance of success, namely injecting some sexuality early into your date, e.g.
- Touching her. Yeah, you can touch her, it’s OK 😉
- Teasing her and using your sexiest voice tone
- Using some sexual innuendos, or subtle references to sex. Yeah, she reads between the lines very well 😃
Incorporating these in your dating will greatly increase her interest for you, and thus your odds of getting together.
I hope you have enjoyed this read, dear Reader!
Yours,
