A failed date in 2011

Let’s get started with my very first post here on the fascinating topic of Women and dating. In this post I describe a failed date that took place in late 2011. As we will see, the date left me confused and frustrated and scratching my head. In the second part of the article, I apply my current understanding of the dynamics of dating, and analyze what went wrong with the date. Read carefully, dear reader, because if you’re like most men, you are very likely doing many of the very same mistakes…

The Context: October 2011, Doha. At that time I was on a very low place, physically and mentally. I had been out of the dating world since 1997, was really out of practice and didn’t have any idea what in the hell I used to do to get girls in my prime years. I knew inside me that the recent developments in my own marriage were logically leading to one conclusion, but I was still internally gathering the courage to do the necessary step of engaging into divorce discussions. In addition to that, I was very out of shape (my record highest weight at 92 kg). These are no excuses though, because the core of the problem is, I didn’t have a clue about how to run a date.

1. The date

The great start

I met miss G at work. In her late twenties, Lebanese woman, very pretty, with some nice feminine shapes, she was one of the Consultants hired to work with us on a three months projects – although I was not personally involved with her work. The first time I saw her is when she stepped into my office. We had set up a desk for her fellow Consultant in my room, and although she had stepped in with the intention to talk to him on professional matters, she nevertheless gave me one of these fugitive but very warm smiles.

A few days later, I noticed she visited my LinkedIn profile, so I jumped on the occasion to connect with her. She accepted the invitation the same evening, and we exchanged phone numbers.

The next day, as I was with my then wife and family out in town, I received a WhatsApp message from miss G, and we started chatting… and very soon we arranged a dinner date in a Lebanese restaurant.

The first date

We spent our date building some rapport. The subject of my wife and family status was not addressed, but as I recall, I was very sure she must be aware that I had a family. Throughout the dinner as we discussed, my inner voice was telling me I should take her hand… But I couldn’t gather the courage to do it. The dinner eventually ended, we handled the bill then walked to the car, and she drove me back (she was the one driving). We separated and I went back home. No physical contact had taken place… But to me, the date “had gone well”.

Although this interaction had initially been at her initiative, soon the dynamics changed: I was increasingly the one initiating the text messages, and also the one waiting for her answers. A few days after our date I went away on vacation with my family, and I was texting her everyday, and became impatient waiting for her answers, and became increasingly frustrated with her dwindling responsiveness.

The second, failed date, and abrupt end

Eventually I returned from vacations. In spite of the bad dynamics that had taken place on text messaging, she agreed on a second dinner date with me. When we met, I gave her a small present I had brought back with me. The first part of the dinner went alright. I was staring all the time at her hand that I knew I should be taking in mine, but just didn’t dare to… Until the topic that had been carefully avoided until now, finally emerged: “how about your family?”, she asked. And here I froze. I had thought she knew, or guessed, my family status. How was I going to tell her that I was married, but considering divorce? Since I couldn’t talk about it, she suddenly turned cold. The dinner ended up abruptly and we walked back to her car. She was silent all the way back and we separated.

I sent her a frustrated email after that, and never heard about her anymore.

Aftermath

For the record, there were some good outcomes from this failed date nevertheless:

a few days later, I decided to embark on a diet to lose my excess weight. That diet worked beyond my expectations, and three months later I had lost 14 kg;
as a result of this major fuck-up, I started looking for books and articles about body language in the context of courtship. That was, in essence, my first step into learning the fine art of seduction!

2. Analysis in hindsight

Before reading on. I am about to point out four major signs of interest that she initially displayed to me, as well as six major mistakes I did (they were many minor ones, too). Dear reader: are you able to identify these? Give its a try before reading on.

Needless to say, I was left very confused at the end of this failed date. In hindsight, and with the benefit of experience, I can now see very clearly how this was set to fail.

The many great signs…

But it shouldn’t have been this way. In fact, there were at least four rock solid signs of interest on her part, which should have given me all the confidence I needed to conclude this great opportunity:

the fugitive, warm smile is a typical feminine way of inviting a guy to approach her;
her visit on my LinkedIn profile, was most likely a way to attract my attention and have me initiate contact with her – and it worked here. It is so typically feminine: induce you into initiating contact.
She initiated the very first text message on WhatsApp. A quite bold move for a pretty woman!
She agreed to a date and came. Remember this: if she comes to your date, it means she already likes you. No need to waste your energy in “trying to make her like you”, or “trying to impress her”. No need to wait for further signs of interest. She came to your date means she likes you. Your job from now on is not to fuck it up (which I did here), and to work towards your objectives (which I didn’t since I didn’t have any).

… and the mistakes!

Mistake 1. Not taking a bold action.

I was not feeling confident… But that’s about all the signs a girl will ever give you! And in fact, that’s much more than what you need to make your move. With all these signs of interest, I was walking on the safe side, and I should have made a bold move. I didn’t. That’s was my chief mistake.

Now on to the next mistakes. There are plenty. Read this carefully, because if you are like most men, you are probably doing many of them in your dates!

Mistake 2. No touching, no physical contact.

This is a major mistake. The ultimate goal of dating is physical intimacy, two naked bodies in deep physical contact to each other. How do you expect to get close to achieving that, if you don’t even touch her? My little inner voice was telling me I should take her hand, and my voice was right! But you can’t just grab her hand out of the blue, that can come across as very creepy, and it is scary to do. So what you should do instead is starting very gently with some light “incidental touching”, such as “incidentally” touching her elbow on a high point of your conversation. Let us keep it here for now, because I intend to write a full post on this. Another point to mention on the topic is, the more you wait, the harder it is going to be to initiate physical contact, so you should go for it very early on. I normally start touching my date within the very first minutes of the first date nowadays. Things become much more simple after that.

Mistake 3. No clear plan for the date.

I went to the date with no objective other than trying to secure a second date. If you want to succeed at dating (or at anything!), you need to have a plan beforehand, a plan that moves forward your objective. And for that, you need to be clear about what your objective is. So let me state it clearly: the objective of dating, is not more dating. The objective of dating is sexual mating, plain and simple. Agreed, there are relationships and romance too, but they build on top of this. So you need to have a clear plan that brings you closer to this objective and makes it happen. It is your duty as a man to make things happen!

Mistake 4. Failing to (sub) communicate sexuality.

This may come as a surprise to many men, in the same way that it was not obvious to me at that time. Like I mentioned above, if the objective of dating is sexual mating, you have to present yourself as a sexual man, one way or another. It just makes sense: if you’re not a sexual man, how are you supposed to conclude this with a sexual encounter? You think it is obvious that you are a sexual man, but it is not. If you don’t communicate it, your date will not be clear about what you want, and will very logically conclude that “this must be friendship”. If you ever had a date that you thought went well, but the girl finally told you that “she doesn’t view you this way”, or is “thinking of you more as a friend”, it is because you didn’t communicate sexuality. Plain and simple again. Fortunately, there are some easy ways to communicate sexuality. Touching her, done the right way, is one of them.

Mistake 5. Losing my mind over texting and starting chasing her.

This is purely and simply a major turn-off! It communicates so many bad things about you, your current state of weakness, of dependency, and your lack of sexual options. Never chase girls, never chase people in general. If instead of chasing for her answers, and the validation they provide, I had kept a mysterious silence for a while, I would have communicated many good things: (i) I’m a busy man, and I have many other things going on in my life, than just her; (ii) mystery and tension “he is not texting me… does he still like me?” which does a good job at keeping her attracted to you. And as a result of that, I could have had the nice surprise of her initiating texting… And if I wanted just to keep the link, a very chill message, once in a very while, like “hey! I’m having very fun time so far. I hope you’re well!” would have been sufficient.

Mistake 6. Not handling the tricky question.

This is an obvious one. I should have had an answer ready for the “family” question that was very likely to arise, sooner than later. I had a family, I should have shown that I stood for what matters to me, no matter what she might think. As a man, you should stand proudly for what matters to you. But the fact that this question arose on the second date, while kept silent in the first date, also means that she was already “not viewing me this way” – consequence of all the other mistakes above. That’s probably what was puzzling me unconsciously, and got me to freeze. But at this stage it was probably already too late!

There were other mistakes, more minor, such as the choice of date or sitting arrangements, but these are enough points for today!

Finally, there is another important takeaway from this. If you don’t make significant progress during your date, your chances to end up anywhere will drop very fast to zero. All the more reason to make your bold moves very early on!

Yours,