The underlying frame of a conversation

“It is going so fast! I don’t know if I am ready for this!” My friend was puzzled. They had seen each others a few times already, and it had been a great start… but now he was taken aback by this unexpected reaction of hers. And the more he gave her reassurances, the more she seemed distant.

It is not our fault though. We men are used to communicate between ourselves by means of purely logical, first level communication. The meaning of our sentence is stated clearly and out for everyone to see – that’s male communication. Yet there is a second level of communication, that most men are barely aware of because it’s simply out of our system: what is implied by the very way a sentence is structured, and how it provides a structure to the rest of the conversation. The underlying frame! Welcome to the realm of female communication.

A typical feminine frame

Let us now look at this sentence again:

“It is going so fast. I don’t know if I’m ready for this!”

Think carefully, dear Reader. What are the logical implications, the underlying, untold context of this sentence, simply from the way it is stated? And next, what do you think is the sort of reaction that this sentence is calling for?

OK let me give it a go.

1. It is a serious relationship. Or else what would “this” mean?
2. She may simply end it. There is a hidden threat here. She is stating that she has veto power.

This hidden, implied message is the underlying frame of communication. But what is most important is the kind of response that this sentence is calling for: and that is, of course, to give her all sorts of reassurances that it’s going to be fine.

What is really happening

How serious was the threat, realistically? It is worth noting, in the example of my friend, that they already had sex a couple of times at least, when she told him this. In other words, he already had a taste of the pleasures. She could have told him as much before, but no, she first gave him a taste of the goods, then threatened to cut access to the goods. If you want to control the supply, you must first wait that there is a demand for it!

So now let’s assume that, like my friend did, you bow in to the underlying context and qualify yourself to her by giving her the reassurances she is calling for.

By doing so, you implicitly acknowledge and agree to the “serious relationship” implied by the context. You also recognize her veto power, and accept to play by her rules. From now on, she starts asserting control over you.

This is the power of the frame!

Is it good or bad?

In this case, it is mostly good of course. Because she likes him a lot and wants to “rope him in” a relationship with her. Her instinctive needs for safety dictates her to assert power over his mind.

Now recalling what I wrote on my post “what women want romantically”: her top choice is to “get pregnant from a “sexy guy”, and later get him to provide for her”. Now this has to be put in context:

• “Get pregnant” means having a sexual relationship. That’s already done. My friend was the sexy guy all along – I was there at the beginning and I witnessed it! He noticed her approach invitation, went to speak to her, they exchanged numbers and met later the same day. They had their first sexual encounter the following day. It was in every respect a very well led seduction operation. Well done!
• “Get him to provide for her” means providing her with safety. It means giving her a secured relationship. This is what she is working on now: the second part of the program.

What a perfect illustration to my point!

But there are bad news, too. As we recall, one of the primary qualities that a woman is looking for in the “sexy guy”, is attributes of strength. But in this case, he bowed to her frame, and from now on the tone is set for a relationship under her control. She asserted power over him by wavering the power of veto. To some extent, he just surrendered his strength!

The underlying frame

A frame is the underlying context of interpretation implied by the way a statement is crafted.

Because the context of interpretation is rigidly implied, the frame often shapes the remainder of the conversation, in a direction favorable to the person who used it. The target of the frame is trapped into a certain way of thinking, and is compelled to respond in a certain way. The person who used the frame is then starting to assert control over the target mind.

In the example I have used, the lady created a sense of urgency (“she may leave”) which compelled my friend into giving her reassurances. Since it was also implied this was a serious relationship, by submitting to the frame he also implicitly admitted it – although at this early stage, they probably never discussed it in the open. It is now implied, between them, that it is a serious relationship.

This is one of the smart ways the females of this planet manage to “rope a man into a relationship”. It is a technique very well known in sales: framing it as if the sale already happened, thus making it implicit. Now it turns out that my friend is very open to getting into a relationship – but that is not the point here.

Now, be aware that women are masters in the art of using frames. They use and abuse them, all the time, to the point that it becomes a second nature to them, most of the time without even thinking about it. Start paying attention and you will see!

Welcome to the world of female communication!

More examples

Because you liked it, dear Reader, let me show you some more!

• “I have been in a bad relationship”. Will compel you to qualify yourself as “not like the rest” and give her all the assurances that you will be a good boy and protect her.
• “I am not into hookups” (online dating). I really like this one :-). It is like a wall, essentially a challenge to your manly resolve, and will help her to filter out the weaker guys from the get go. But what she really is saying is “I am not a slut. If this ends up into a hookup it won’t be my fault because I told you upfront I wasn’t into this. I have therefore absolved myself of whatever may happen!”
• “What are you looking for here?” (online dating). This one is tricky. It compels you into saying you’re good boy, but if you do, it will sound defensive. And if you don’t, she will respond by “then what the hell are you doing here!”. You are almost guaranteed to run into serious problems!
• “Darling, it would be soooo lovely if we could go to the shop and buy that carpet that we loved so much”. A manipulative frame! Notice how she uses the word “we”. Each time you hear a woman using this word, you need to ask yourself whose interests would be best served by what she suggests. Alarm bell!

Back to my friend’s story

To be fair, things are never as simple as this. From what he told me, she threw more frames at him (such as “I have been in bad relationships”) to which he complied. The end result of complying to her frames is a net decrease in perceived status. After all, she can control him into saying what she wants. Even if it’s coming from a good place (making sure she gets a safe relationship), it is still a hit on the perceived “sexy guy” high status image.

So what happens when the image of strength she had of him, gets compromised? Drama!

Not surprisingly, this is what he got. When my friend told me about his problems, he sounded puzzled and distressed by the multiple arguments they had over text. What happened next, he met her again and solved the questions in the bedroom. So, story not over. But in my opinion, the tone has already been set in one direction, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he got more drama. But will he tell me about it? Let us see.

Men’s frames

Because men are used to a straightforward and factual kind of conversation, we are naturally obliviously blind to the concept of frames. We guys are not naturally used to handle this sort of second degree communication: it is just flying way above our head! Until we learn about this and open our eyes, that is, because then it suddenly becomes all too obvious.

But men also use frames, very much unbeknown to them, and sometimes sub-communicating awfully bad things about them. Let me illustrate the point in the context of dating, when the guy is asking her out.

The subservient frame

“I have been thinking a lot about you ever since I first saw you. You are so beautiful! I would be delighted if you accepted my invitation to a dinner”

…well, and all sorts of variations around this language. This is coming from a guy, talking to a girl with whom he never had sex with, and probably not even a date yet. Ring a bell?

So now, what are the hidden meanings implied by such a statement? Let’s go:

1. She must have some sort of goddess-like perfection!
2. He hopes to be worthy of her
3. She has higher value than his own
4. He doesn’t look like he has many other women going on in his life

In the subservient frame, he sub-communicates is that he is venerating her and putting himself on a lower level than she is. That wouldn’t happen if he had plenty of other sexual options in his life. This also says that he must not have a lot of experience with women. He is operating from a position of sexual scarcity. He puts his sexual well being into her caring hands then hopes for the best.

Knowing what sort of man she sexually responds to, this is not something you want to communicate about you!

Note that the subservient frame is also very commonplace within established relationships, when the woman actually subjugates the man. The man giving in to this frame is, in my opinion, a major factor for her loss of sexual attraction within the couple.

Let us now examine the following, less common more more efficient frame:

The alpha male frame

“Hey Mary! I’m free on Tuesday after 9pm. Why don’t you join me at (xxx lounge) and tell me about yourself?”

He must have gotten his phone number a few days back, and this is perhaps the first text he ever sent her. So what is implied by this language?

1. He is a busy man! He has plenty of things going on in his life!
2. But he generously frees up some time for her to give her a chance to make impression on him
3. He has a higher value than she does!
4. From how busy he is, he must have many other women around!
5. Etc…

He communicates that he is very busy, but doing her a favor by freeing her some time so that she gets a shot at him. Therefore, he is definitely on a higher level that she is, and if she wants him she has to work to get him. He is a challenge, and he is the Prize! Surely, he must have many sexual options, and therefore operating from a position of sexual abundance.

Compare this frame with the previous one. Needless to say, that is a much better position from which to operate. But there are other ways in which the two frames differ.

More differences between both frames

In the first frame, she has to live up by the image of perfection implied. It is supposed to be a formal dinner so she has to be even more perfect. Plus, he is giving her so much importance. There is a lot of pressure on her! Whereas the second frame is more low-key. She seems not that important to him. Even if she still has to qualify herself to this high value man, it still feels much less pressure on her.

The first frame implies that she holds the keys of his sexual happiness. She is in control. She knows she would be able to make him dance if she wanted to. No surprise, no challenge, no excitement. But in the second frame, she has no idea if she’s ever be able to get a hold on this man. He is a challenge! Does she even has a shot? How exciting!

Needless to say, the alpha male frame is much more effective to succeed with women. Why do we men insist so much on using the subservient frame?

Conclusion: Don’t give in to someone else’s frame

In general, bowing to someone else’s frame means you are accepting their mental ascendant on you. You are surrendering control and losing status. With a woman you are dating (or in a relationship with), it is never a good thing to lose some status, even if the frame was meant for a good purpose (such as securing a relationship). Loss of status usually means lower attraction level.

While this didn’t spell the end in my friend’s case, his few points of status loss translated into some degree of drama. Even if he is very much favorable to a serious relationship with her, he would have been better off by rejecting the frame.

In many ways, frames are very similar to feminine tests, as they both assess your masculine dominance, and rejecting frames is very similar to passing her tests. I am planning to discuss that in a separate post. For now, let me just show how this could have been better handled.

Her: It is going so fast. I am not sure I am ready for this!
Him: (not giving in) Yes exactly! Now come with me. He grabs her hand and leads her to the bedroom.

I let you figure out why this would work better!

Yours,

Please follow and like us: