So in my last post, I exposed the typical attraction killer that men are guilty of during a date: coming across as too easy to get. That is all good and nice, but what should you do instead, then? Well, this is what we call sexual tension. It comes down to three main points:
- For a start, your body language sub-communicates that you are a self confident man in full control of yourself, and as such you remain unfazed by her beauty.
- At the same time, as a man with numerous sexual options, you have this no big deal attitude and willingness to walk away if it came to that.
- You are able to achieve a subtle balance between exhibiting sexual intent, while at the same time leaving her in doubt as to the extent of your interest.
In a nutshell, you are a master at creating sexual tension! Achieving this will shoot your dating success rate will go through the roof.
Today, dear Reader, I will show you how to do just that.
Sexual tension basics: you are a self confident man in full control of yourself
This is something I became aware of in late 2014 when I was learning how to be good at dating. The more beautiful your date is, the more important it is to control your body language. A beautiful girl lives in a world of men losing their shit all around her:
- they would go shy,
- or they would go excited
- they would go weirdo
- or they would brag about themselves
- or they would stalk her
- etc…
When she sees these signs, she immediately knows what it’s all about: “another one who wants to get into my pants”. Note that there is nothing wrong with getting into her pants. She would love that… But from the right kind of man. And the right kind of man doesn’t do any of the above: he is just sexy.
You will impress her, by not looking impressed, and by being self assured, in full control of yourself. In a nutshell, you remain unfazed by her beauty. Trust me, she is not used to this. You will make her day!
The moment I started doing this consistently, I saw my success rate increase.
You absolutely need to spend some time to become acutely aware of your own body language in the presence of an attractive female, and to learn how to control it carefully. This is essential! In particular, check out for any of the following behaviors:
- Are you moving too much? This is high energy body language giving away your excitement. Tune it down and work towards getting a cooler, calmer energy.
- Are you too much over her? It is not necessarily bad, when done at the right time. But it has to be calibrated to her response level. Until there are signs of her warming up to your physical presence, it is best to start off with some restraint: casual, infrequent “incidental” touching, not leaning towards her, not being oriented completely towards her, keeping a tactical distance. Only step up a little bit when she seems to warm up. Adjust yourself to the level of response you get, and persist.
- Can’t take away your eyes from this impressive cleavage? Can’t stop taking a peek at this fantastic pair of legs? We all know the feeling! But you need to learn to control that. Keep your eyes locked in her eyes, or look away. Even when she is walking in front of you and you’re taking a look at her behind, she will “feel” your gaze. Just control it!
- Any facial expression you may be doing when she shows up, telling her you are in awe with her beauty? You need to become aware of it, and learn to control it! You remain unfazed by her beauty.
- The goofy smile: you know what I mean. This is anti-sexy. Drop this huge grin across your face: this smile says “I’m a harmless merry buddy”. It is almost idiotic! Replace it by the “slow smile”: it is more a hint of a smile, with the lips very slightly open. This smile says “I know more than you suspect!”
- Quit smiling all the time. Instead, use your smile as a reward when she has done or said good things! She needs to earn your smile with good behavior!
The “no big deal” attitude
As explained in my previous post, the moment she feels this date is a big deal for you, is the moment she starts losing interest. That’s feminine psychology in action.
For a start, you should immediately quit doing all these things telling her this date means so much to you:
- High pressure dates – such as the romantic face to face dinner in a high shot restaurant! It is such a courtship cliche, and at the same time pressuring her into behaving like the little Princess that you are projecting her into.
- “Fun” dates, i.e. outdoor activities, or cinema, or party dates. These are things you do with friends.
- Trying to impress her, or to “making her like you”. Nope! This is “try hard”, pushing yourself on someone who probably already likes you.
- Trying to make her laugh all the time. This is the best way to actually defuse sexual tension! Also, don’t be Mr Funny. She will start viewing you an Entertainer. Although a little bit of sexy humor from times to times is just fine, don’t overdo it: you don’t want to be the Clown, you want to be the Prince that will swipe her on her feet.
Instead, you need to adopt a “no big deal attitude”.
Your vibe
This date is no big deal for you. You are laid back, extremely calm, with this sexy smile once in a while, uber cool, and in control of yourself. You’re not putting yourself forward all the time, and instead make sure she’s the one talking about herself. Your body language is under tight control, as explained above. You do like her, but if it doesn’t work, you will just be fine and date another instead.
As a corollary, it also means that you must be willing to let her go if it came to that.
And here’s the counter-intuitive truth: this attitude will win you more girls than all your attempts at making them laugh or impressing them.
The date
You take her on a low key, low social pressure place such as a coffee shop, or a lounge bar.
Instead of bragging and talking about you, just remove yourself from the picture, and instead focus on hearing her story. What is she doing in life? Is she studying? Does she have projects? What is she passionate about? Does she have bothers and sisters? Where does she live? What does a typical day looks for her? What about her relations with her parents and family? Etc… And whenever she says something that rings a bell to you, you step in, relate with a short story of your own, then investigate the matter more.
That you are actively seeking to know her more, will impress her more than a fastidious expose about your own achievements. Plus, she will absolutely love being the center of your attention!
And if you have read my post on harnessing the power of touch, you know that I’m big on physical contact. While she talks, you should aim to break the physical barrier, and touch her!
What happens when she is sure that she doesn’t have a shot at him
But it is also worth taking a look at the opposite situation: when she is convinced that she doesn’t have a realistic shot at having you. This would happen when you went from being an open book about your interest, to the extreme opposite, being aloof and displaying no interest at all.
Well, this is certainly not good either! She likes you but whatever she does (or so she thinks), she will never have you. It is a blow to her ego!
What is now going to happen is that she will try to protect her ego by rationalizing that you’re not such a great guy after all. The net result is that she will attempt to self-sabotage her own attraction for you, and convince herself that she doesn’t like you. She can even go all the way to hating your guts! It goes like this:
He doesn’t like me? Well, look at him. He’s such a moron anyway!
For as much as it is important not to give yourself away with your body language, or make it look like it’s not a such big deal, you must still avoid carefully to fall into the opposite extreme: looking aloof.
Sexual tension: the principle of push pull
So when it looks like you’re sold on her, you’re too easy to get and she doesn’t have any interest. But if it looks like she doesn’t stand a chance to get at you, she sabotages her own attraction to protect her ego, and can even start hating you.
The secret to a good attraction lies in the middle: you give mixed signals!
Yes, you do control your body language to not give yourself away. But once in a while, you look at her in the eyes and smile. Once in a while, you gently touch her. At some point you can even take her hand in yours. All the time with this cool, self assured vibe. That’s the correct way to communicate interest.
But occasionally, you playfully do something which seems to deny your interest. You can tease her about this little belly fat, or joke her about her hairstyle… Or if you’ve been touching her, you can suddenly lean back and turn your body away. Or you can mix up a cryptic facial expression with your warm smiles.
Here are some examples:
- On the one hand, you are touching her once in a while during the course of the conversation: “He touches me, therefore he likes me!”. On the other hand, your body language is mostly devoid of the typical giveaways she is used to see in men: “Does he like me?”
- Or you are making her talk about her story, actively listening to what she says, and showing actual interest in her. On the other hand you are frequently teasing her, joking about this or this point about her, gently “busting her balls” so to speak.
- You sometimes show warmth, you smile, lean towards her. But on the other hand, you sometimes lean back, orient your body away from her, and seem to physically withdraw a little bit.
- Things have been warming up, so you have been ramping up your touch from incidental to deliberate touching. But now it feels you are hitting a discomfort. You now withdraw from touching, and pull back a little bit. Ten minutes later, you resume touching her.
This is how you build sexual tension. It is extremely efficient at ramping up her excitement. It will communicate your interest while still leaving a hint of a doubt in her mind: “does he like me?”
Sexual tension: Some parting thoughts
Addressing the sneaky peak: the proper way to display masculine desire
In my previous post, I warned you against doing that “sneaky peak”.
You think she is making such a display of her feminine charms in order to get your attention? You are right, dear Reader, but your attention will only be appreciated if you display it right.
And the way to display it right is the exact opposite of the sneaky peek: you own your masculine desire shamelessly, impudently, and are upfront about it. But you absolutely need a very sexy, cool, manly vibe to pull it off!
Here is an example. Deliberately look at her boobs, with no attempt to hide it. Have a “slow”, appreciating smile. Wrap it with a sexy comment, e.g. “Oh what do we have here?”. Ask her to come nearer to you so you can take a close look. Venture a finger on her boob (preferably on her bare skin), and have a lingering, soft stroke. “It’s an impressive situation from the balcony!”. Etc…
I regularly touch the boobs of my girls on first dates, and it all goes well. Wrapped with the proper vibe and sexy comments, it’s incredible what you can get away with!
However, if you haven’t developed the confidence required to do it yet, just don’t do it! It is fun, but not absolutely necessary for a good seduction. Instead, I would advise you to stick to the advice above: teach yourself to avoid the sneaky peaks for now. Be aware of your own body language at all times.
From nervousness to “no big deal” attitude: sexual abundance
If you are nervous going on a date, ask yourself why this is the case. You are afraid to fail, because you don’t want to lose her. But why would you be afraid of “losing” her? What is so special about her? Because the truth is, you know nothing about her at this stage!
Face the fact: your mind is deceiving you by rationalizing that she is “that special girl”. You are idealizing her, even if you know nothing about her! The reality is that you are in sexual scarcity. Your real problem is this: if you fail this date, who knows when you get another shot at sex! You are experiencing the “Distortion of the Only option”.
You wouldn’t be afraid of losing her, if you had three other dates lined up the same week!
The cure to your nervousness, and the secret to the “no big deal attitude”, is sexual abundance. That happens when you know how to generate new first dates very quickly. You know you could line up two new dates per week or more, if you tried.
You would come to your date with a much more relaxed, “devil may care” attitude, because this particular date is no longer such a big deal to you!
And that’s why, dear Reader, it is counterproductive to work “on that special girl”. Always be working on five or ten girls instead!
I hope you have enjoyed reading this. In a forthcoming post, I will complete the picture by discussing the subservient frame: this “White Knight and the Princess” mindset which is the hallmark of Hollywood dating advice, and why it is so much counterproductive.
Yours,
