In my post “what women want romantically”, I have written that a strong instinct drives women towards the sexy men at the top of the Sexual Pyramid. But does that make complete sense? On the one hand, each of us have met a guy who seemed to be extremely successful with women. But on the other hand, we man have this (erroneous) feeling that demand for sex is essentially coming from the man. So what is the missing part of the picture? I will argue here that her social conditioning is the second key to understanding women.
What Society needs: Order
I recently read an interesting story. Among the lion species, male lions represent 25% to 30% of the population. And that, in spite of the fact that there are born 50% of them. The reason is that young lions are kicked out of the lion’s pride before they reach maturity. They are thus forced to live a lonely life, trying to survive in No Cat’s Land – and many of them end in a painful death. Their only chance at a peaceful life is (i) to create their own new pride, if they can, or (ii) to takeover an existing pride, by challenging the pride’s dominant male in a fight to death. If they succeed at taking over an existing pride, they will kill the lion cubs (more deaths), and replace them with their own offsprings. Nature is tough!
But the consequence is this. The dominant male of the pride gets most of the sex. The other males of the pride get a little, occasional sex. And most lion males do not get the chance to reproduce – in fact they die before they can ever get there. Sounds deja-vu?
How about human beings? One can only speculate how things would look like, if men and women were left unrestrained to follow their sexual instincts (… and my guess is: chaos). But the point is, a civilized Society cannot let that happen. And the way Society ensures order, is by doing two things:
- It encourages men to be faithful, good Providers. If you are of the Sexy Guy kind, you need to “man up”, “become responsible”, stop playing, and take a wife instead. Then have a family and work hard to provide for them.
- It discourages women from being promiscuous, by shaming their sexuality. She needs to stop casual sex, only “sluts” do that, and become a Good Girl instead!
Thus, Society exemplifies faithful Provider men and Good Girls, and promotes Monogamy for all. Within the Sexual Pyramid, the super-sexed guys at the top should settle and get only one partner. And, since every women need to settle (as the Good Girls they should be), all the sex-starved guys at the bottom get a partner as well. So, everyone gets a chance at sex and there is no need to kill each other!
And it is a surprising way to consider Monogamy: a way to ensure that the guys at the bottom of the sexual pyramid get a chance at reproduction, without resorting to violence!
The Good Girl: who she is told to be
So the girl is told from her early childhood that she needs to conform to the Good Girl model, namely:
- a non-promiscuous woman
- a woman who seeks her one partner in life
- a woman devoted to her man and to raising a family
This is what her mum and dad teach her. This is what all the images on TV, Internet, magazines are exemplifying. It is all around in her environment, since her early childhood. This is what is considered “Good” by Society.
Conversely, not being such a Good Girl, is considered negatively. And if she is from a religious background, it’s even worse: Religion usually considers promiscuity as a sin!
All her upbringing, education and environment are all teaching her this notion of Good and Bad. And with respect to her own internal beliefs, it is important for her own self-image to be this Good Girl.
But there is more.
Later on, during her teenage years, she will discover two things:
- Men (most of them anyway) have the same mental models of a Good / Bad Girl. They will judge her on her sexuality, and if not compliant to the Good Girl image, they will be harsh: “she is such a slut!”.
- In the intense competition between them for the Sexy Guys, the other girls will take any pretext to tarnish her reputation and slut-shame her.
And it turns out that, in fact, being a Good Girl is not just important for her own self image, it is also a matter of preserving her own reputation within the Society!
A more accurate picture
Women are driven by strong sexual instincts. It is important to state this fact, as so many guys out there are puzzled about this question. After all, they are the one bearing and nurturing life, which only happen by sexual intercourse. And, from an evolutionary standpoint, they also act as the “gene selectors”: having a clear preference for the type of men that are best fitted for survival and procreation.
So yes, women are sexual by nature. But, and this is a big but (no pun intended! 🙂 ), they also have to deal with their own self-image as well as their social reputation. They always need to know, for their own self respect, that they are the “Good” kind of girl. And most importantly, they have to take care about their social reputation: looking like a Good Girl in a social context.
That is the origin of women’s apparent complex and paradoxical behavior, to us men.
Think about your own experiences. Did you ever had any of that:
- She gave you mixed signals: does she like you or not?
- She seems to like you, but is not making it easy for you to succeed
- You’re on a date, and you don’t understand why she is so much concerned about people around
- You take her out for a dinner, but she keeps telling you that she “prefers to be in a private place”
- Online dating classics “I am not into hookups”
- You are now both almost naked on the couch, things are getting hot, but she suddenly withdraws
- etc…
When you consider that she cannot afford to appear “like a slut” in front of you or others, it now all make sense! Let me explain further.
So many things make more sense now!
At the early beginning of courtship, she can’t give you too obvious signals that she likes you – that would be slutty. And if she did, she has to “compensate” by giving you a negative signal just after. If you think about it, she can’t be making the first move too, for the same reason. So the first move has to come from the man! In general, even if she likes you a lot, she cannot afford to make it easy for you! What would that look like, to herself? To you? To other people watching?
In a social environment where she is seen with a man (hopefully you!), she is constantly worrying about who is looking, and if people are going to judge her as “a slut”.
When she says “I am not into hookups”, what she is really saying is “I am not a slut. If you still make sex happen, that won’t be my fault because I told you upfront I don’t do that!”. In other words, she is absolving her own conscience of any responsibility! While, at the same time, screening for the most persistent men :-). Women are geniuses!
If a woman tells you that she prefers a “private place”, you have two ways of reading this: (i) she is concerned about her social reputation in an open place (i.e. “what if someone I know sees us”), or (ii) she is suggesting sexual intercourse, or possibly both. Yes, even on a first date! Of course her need to appear as a Good Girl, to herself and to you, means she can’t say something like “let’s have sex”, or anything suggesting she is of the “easy girl” type.
This is also a big thing to keep in mind when you are escalating to sex. You absolutely need to make sure that she is fully comfortable with you and with what you are doing. Or else you will trigger what is called “Last Minute Resistance”. That’s when you are both in underwear on the couch, but all of a sudden she pulls your hand away from her pants, and won’t go further – no matter how excited she was just a minute ago. This is when her rational mind is telling her “I am NOT an easy girl” and hit the breaks!
Instincts versus conscience
How does it all fit together? The best way to think about it, is like this:
- Her sexual drive is essentially instinctive, and as such, largely unconscious. Of course, she is aware of things like “I like him”, or “I don’t like him”. But she is not necessarily aware (yet) of her sexual desire for him.
- Her social conditioning “I am a Good Girl” self-image, is a result of her upbringing, and is a conscious thing. She is actively and acutely aware of her own self-image and social context!
The unconscious sexual drive is extremely powerful, but essentially lies “in the background”. When she is testing you, for instance, she is in fact screening you as a potential sexual partner… But is not necessarily aware that she is doing so! She is throwing her tests at you, instinctively!
However, when she is pulling back from your sexual advances, telling you “I am NOT that sort of girl”, it is the logical, conscious part of her that is talking.
If you ambition to improve yourself with women, you absolutely need to learn how to communicate with these two levels, the primordial, instinctive brain, and the logical brain! Let me illustrate here a few ways of doing this:
- When you are talking to her, avoid topics that may her feel she’s a bad girl. It sometimes can take unexpected forms! I once told a girl something completely anecdotal, non sexual about “other girls”. In my mind it was a neutral comment, but her immediate reaction was “I am a bad girl!”. I didn’t see it coming! It surprised me, but in fact I unintentionally implied that she was “like all these girls”, i.e. a “bad girl”. Oops!
- In order to make her feel comfortable with you, you may want to communicate that you are not judgmental about sexuality. Any statement that can make you appear as open minded and cool with regards to sexuality will help you a lot. Any statement sounding judgmental, will not. For instance, avoid things like “this girl is really dressed like a slut” (talking about the girl in mini-skirt nearby). You want to take this worry out of her mind and have her relax around you!
- Avoid direct sex talk. A thought like “He just wants to fuck me” may hit her Good Girl self image, and trigger her Anti-Slut Defenses – even if she’s (unconsciously) sexually attracted to you! You are now dealing with a defensive woman… Experienced guys, though, know how to bring up a conversation about sex, and manage to make it work for them. But unless you know what you are doing, you’re better off avoiding it altogether.
- Instead, it is better to “sub-communicate” sexuality, using innuendos, touch, voice tone, and body language. The sub-communication will be picked up by her unconscious “primordial” brain! For instance, slightly lean forward, look her in the eyes, have your sexy half-smile, “incidentally” touch her forearm, use your most sexy voice tone, and tell her [whatever]. The logical message itself is not important, as long as it doesn’t trigger her conscious defenses. But the unconscious message is “I want to take you sexually!”. Her instinctive brain will pick it up clearly!
- All seems good, she is giggling and smiling, so you end the date, you tell her “I have a nice music playlist at home. Let’s go!”, then walk her to your home. But she may rationalize “what are we going to do there?”, which could trigger her defenses. To prevent that, you chat her all the way to your home with completely low-key, neutral topics, to keep her logical mind occupied while you both move to your place.
Conclusion: do we have the full picture now?
No we don’t! Not yet.
There are more aspects of female psychology that complicates the topic a little bit. One important one, for instance, is the degree of self-control she has on her own sexual drive. Another one is this: some women better accept their sexuality than others, by accommodating their conscience to various degrees. And yet another is related to her broader motivations in life, and dictates how she will use sex to reach these goals.
These extra aspects make for a more diverse, richer picture of women minds. That will be the topic of further posts.
But most of women behavior regarding courtship can be explained in one sentence:
When she likes him, she would like him to take her sexually, but cannot make it easy for him because that would be slutty!
There you have it: the second key to understanding women!
Yours,
