How your mindset on a date affects its outcome

Your mindset on a date, i.e. the beliefs about dating you hold for true, play a big role in shaping the outcome of the date. Today I want to illustrate this by depicting two fictive dates involving two opposite mindsets, and their respective outcomes. The author of these lines speaks of personal experience, having embraced, at different points in his life, these two opposite points of view (for specific real life examples, see here and here). But let us get started with the first date…

Mindset on a date: Joe Average

Joe somehow managed to land a date with a pretty girl. This doesn’t happen so often, though: the last time was perhaps about six months ago, and the lady had disappeared shortly after the second date, who knows why!

So this time, he must absolutely not screw it up. He will have to play it prudently. So his goal for the date is to try making her like him enough so as to secure a second date.

Joe comes to the date with the idea of showing her how gentleman-esque he is. He displays elegant manners as well as a hundred of small attentions, perhaps bringing flowers, here holding the door for her, there pouring wine in her glass, and tries to anticipate her wishes before she even express them.

Joe also tries to showcase his wealth and social standing. He is probably wearing his most expensive clothes, and he arranged the date as a formal dinner in a high end restaurant – for which he will foot the entire bill of course. He is also possibly driving her around town in a high end car.

During the date, Joe’s communication focuses on the purely logical level. Of course, as part of his “gentleman persona”, he does politely inquire about her. But he otherwise focuses on conveying, more or less subtly (when it’s not outright bragging!), his professional achievements, or the awesome things he does on vacation, or his grand plans in life. The more interesting he can appear, the better.

Being so much focused on the logical message he wants to pass on, he is completely oblivious to all the sub-communication going on.

To begin with, he has no idea that his own body language betrayed his physical desire when she first showed up, dressed to kill, in her lovely skirt and heels. He may be aware of his own nervousness, because of all the pressure he is putting on himself by making this date such a high stake. But he doesn’t see how that makes her nervous as well, and puts pressure on her shoulders.

And of course he doesn’t see all the subtle undercover messages she is conveying to him, which would be so useful for him to better lead the date.

In essence, his logical message to her is:

“look what a great long term partner I would make”.

In Joe’s mind, good girls are after relationships after all, not sex, so sexuality and physicality will be mostly absent from his communication. He will try some non-sexual humor, and will barely touch her. By the end of the date, he may feel that he should take her hand or something, but he finds it hard to break the “touch barrier” after one or two hours of non-physical face to face.

After the date is over, there is a marked a change in texting dynamic. He thinks that the “date went well”. She laughed at his jokes, and she seemed interested into all his stories of life achievements. He is now seeking to meet her for a second time. He initiates texting more often, and becomes pressing about a second date. But as her lack of responsiveness mounts, he is now having doubts, and “loses his shit”. He tries to assure her how beautiful he found her (completely unnecessary, because she already knows that), and the tone of his messages becomes increasingly more supplicating. And her answers become more and more episodic, as she now seems to be eluding him. Unfortunately, the things are now taking a bad turn.

So if you recognize yourself in the above, dear Reader, read on.

Mindset on a date: Pete the Seducer

Now meet Pete the experienced Seducer.

Pete just got another date with another pretty girl. The previous girl he met was about ten days ago, although during his most active periods he sometimes managed to date a new pretty girl every day. It’s a busy life though, and he can’t maintain this rate of activity all the time, there has to be time for other things as well! A new girl is never a big deal to him, because he could probably get another one within two weeks if he really looked for one. It is a world full of pretty women! So he comes to the date very relaxed and very confident, and doesn’t really care if it doesn’t work.

Because he likes her, his goal is going to take her to bed as soon as possible, which is either at the end of the first date, or on the second date. If things don’t happen by the second date, he will rarely bother pursuing and focus on another prospect instead. If it ever is going to work, it has to be very early on! Needless to say, at this stage, whether to enter into a relationship with her or not is not in contemplation.

During the date, he carefully avoids displaying any other value that could be useful to her, other than sexual attractiveness. In particular, he is not going to showcase wealth, career, social status or otherwise appeal to her safety needs. If he is to be liked, it’s going to be for his sexy self! His primary focus will therefore be about demonstrating sexual confidence.

Being expert at feminine psychology, Pete knows he needs to communicate with the two women in her: (i) the conscious, social woman part of her which is concerned about how all this looks from the outside!, and (ii) the unconscious, wildly sexual part of her. It is about appealing to her sexual side while at the same time letting her know that she is safe with him (from a social point of view), and making her feel good and comfortable about the whole experience.

His verbal communication is aimed at her social part, and seeks to achieve the following:

Letting her know that he is open minded and non-judgmental;
Letting her know that her reputation as a good woman is safe with him;
Making her feel comfortable emotionally, mostly by making her talk about herself

At the same time, he conveys his sexual confidence using mostly non-verbal means, which her unconscious, sexual side will pick up clearly:

His speech is light, teasing her a lot, using a sexy voice tone;
He carefully controls his body to “not flinch an inch” at the face of her beauty, and not giving himself away;
Also, he pays attention to be “hard to read”, keeping a sexy, mysterious smile, so as to keep her guessing;
He physically touches her very early on, first “incidentally”, then progressively more deliberately, more daringly, and more sexually. Viewed from the outside, it looks like he is progressively taking possession of her body!

In essence, his non-verbal communication is aimed at her unconscious, sexual self, telling her “I can handle you. I can take you sexually”, while his verbal communication is telling her “you are safe with me”.

As an experienced ladies man, he is expert at picking up cues about her sexual excitement and overall comfort. He uses these cues as a general guide and calibrates his behavior accordingly. If she is giggling excitedly, or if she is touching him a lot, or if she draws his attention to her body, he knows he’s good!

About maybe an hour into the date, he has a very good idea where he stands. He may decide that another date is necessary to raise her comfort further, or he may decide that there is no chemistry and leave it here. But he may also assess that she is into him and comfortable enough to follow him. In this case, it is time to make a bold move. And this is where he invites her to his home to “come and listen to this fantastic music playlist”… Unless of course she’s the one first suggesting that she “wants to see his room”!

The two opposite mindsets

Joe. Due to his lack of experience and the wrong beliefs taught by Society, Joe believes that women are non sexual creatures that must be convinced into bed by showcasing the advantages she would get in having him as a boyfriend / husband / long term partner. He doesn’t view sexual aggressiveness as a way to pursue women. On the opposite, he thinks that would be inappropriate, and in fact, he would even be uncomfortable being sexually aggressive. Coming from a position of sexual scarcity, he adopts a prudent approach: it’s about a date by date, slow conquer. Lacking the sexual self confidence required for fast conclusion, he spends a lot of energy trying to “making her like him”, as well as gathering clues of her interest in him to boost his own confidence.

Pete. Plenty of successful sexual experiences have comforted his beliefs that women are first and foremost sexual beings, provided you can bring out this side of them from the very beginning. And he has learned not to be judgmental about that! He is not trying to display himself as a potential boyfriend. Instead, he focuses on appealing to her sexual side while handling the objections of her conscious self. He is sexually confident and aggressive, and he knows a fast and bold move to bed offers him his best chance of success. He doesn’t worry about making her like him, and instead focus on making her comfortable with him to follow him in bed.

From her perspective

If she has even a little experience in dating, chances are that she has already dated guys such as Average Joe and Pete the Seducer. And as such, she immediately knows in which category each one is playing in.

Joe

It is immediately obvious to her that Joe doesn’t have a lot of other sexual options, and therefore she knows she could easily have him: in other words he offers no real challenge. In addition, the outcome of this date is obviously so important to him that it feels like his own happiness is depending on her: which is a lot of pressure on her shoulders.

Being treated “as a lady” certainly feels good, but it has its drawbacks. As he seems to be treating her as pure Unicorn, she will have to hide her sexual side from him so as to avoid being judged as “another slut”. It is also pressuring her to abide by the standards of perfection he is pushing on her.

And there is another problem. For her, here is a guy who, with all this attitude of “gallant knight”, flowers, opening the door, ladies first, etc…, is valuing himself lower than herself. While it is certainly flattering, it doesn’t foster much respect. But for women, respecting masculinity is everything!

His approach to “making her like him” is obvious to her and comes across as insecure and “try hard”. Insecurity, in itself, is certainly a turn-off. At the same time, there is some disconnect between the absence of sexuality in his communication, and the obvious physical desire that he is trying to hide. This disconnect is sometimes perceived as “creepy”. In any case there is a feeling of “something is not right”.

Pete

On the other hand, she immediately feels excited with Pete. He is making her feel good by paying attention to her. Also, all the pressure she felt on the date with Joe, is virtually absent with Pete. She can just relax and be herself! See for yourself:

This date feels low key. It won’t be the end of the world if she walks! His happiness clearly doesn’t depend on her!
He acknowledges her as a sexual being. No need to pretend otherwise!
He doesn’t treat her as fragile doll or Greek statue. No need to play the perfect girlfriend role.

It is absolutely obvious that this guy has a lot of experience. He doesn’t act “try hard”. In fact, it doesn’t even feel he’s trying. He acts like she already likes him! What an arrogant asshole, he seems so self confident! He must have it easy with women. And this of course, is an absolute turn-on.

On the same note, in contrast with Joe, he is a challenge:

Does he like her? She can’t decide for sure:
- One one hand, here and there he is playing with her hair and touching her
- On the other hand, he didn’t seem to react when she showed up dressed to kill. And he keeps this mystery smile…
If he’s having all these girls as she suspects, it can’t be the case that she’s the one left out! It can’t be the case that she’s the one below his standards!

So she MUST have him. She absolutely loves the challenge!

The outcomes

Joe’s approach was purely non sexual. Taking sexuality out of dating is a major mistake. The outcome of that is she will not view him as a man: not a “real man” at least. As a result, her respect for his masculinity plummets, and she puts him in the category “just friends”. She may have laughed at his jokes and liked his manners and style, but when she’s back home, she turns cold and decides that he’s “not that sort of man”.

What happens next can be either:

She outright tells him that they can be “just friends”. This is essentially a No Man’s Land.
She doesn’t say as much, by she frames him as a friend. She may for example suggest that they meet next Saturday at the local shopping mall, or joining her in a party with friends. A purely non romantic context that will de facto put him in the position of “just friends”.
She just eludes him. Her answers become more and more scarce, if at all, and she ultimately disappears of his screen. If he asks her out, she will tell him “I will let you know”… The net effect is the second date never happens!

In any case, Joe is left scratching his head as to what went wrong!

Pete’s approach was the exact opposite. He appealed to the sexual side in her. They ended up having passionate sex in his living room. It may be that she just wanted to “blow a fuse and let go” – in this case it will be a one time only (from her side). Or he may decide that he doesn’t want to pursue. But if they both liked each other, they may decide to meet again. Of course, the prospects of a second time are much better than for Joe:

She most likely will be the one asking to meet again. The interaction dynamics turns in Pete’s favor
It will be much easier to setup a second date
Pete is now in a much better position to start a relationship – if he so desires

Conclusion

Joe’s way of dating is more or less the way most dates in the world are happening. It yields a very low success rate, leaving Joe confused and scratching his head as to why things are unfolding this way, when he thought all went right. Since this is way of dating is what is advocated by our moms and Hollywood and “mainstream” dating advice, he thought he was doing it alright! The problem, though, is it outright ignores a whole aspect of femininity: her sexual side, and her attraction for sexually aggressive men.

Pete’s way is highly successful. When Pete has plenty of free time to devote to dating, he can easily take one new girl on a date, up to 3 or 4 times a week if he wants to, each of these dates with a high likelihood of ending in bed. In many respects, Pete is in a much better position in his love life than Joe is.

But don’t get me wrong: Joe’s ways CAN work. In fact, many relationships are started this way every year all around the world. But it simply yields a much lower success rate. With this approach, be ready for months or years spent in dozens of dates ending nowhere, and the frustration that comes with it, before you “get lucky”.

If there is one takeaway from this article, it is this one. Not only do men pursue sex, they are also expected to do so. That’s what “real” men do. Do yourself a service, and inject some sexuality into your date! Be bolder and do not fear being more sexually aggressive.

Yours,